“Do you really believe that seeing Blake today had nothing to do with what happened at the office today?” I nod my head, trying to end this conversation before it starts. Unfortunately for me, it seems to have the opposite effect.
“You can’t honestly believe that, Alex!” Harlow takes a deep breath, obviously trying to control her temper. She lowers her voice, but keeps her eyes on me the entire time she speaks.
“No, I don’t think you do. I think you know, deep down, that seeing Blake had an effect on you. And I think that you’re so used to not allowing yourself to feel anything that your brain didn’t know how to cope. I don’t know how long you’re going to keep punishing yourself, Alex. How long is long enough?” I continue my blank stare. Unfortunately, I think she’s on to me.
“You go on, each day, as though you’re happy and at peace with your life. Or at least trying to convince yourself that you are. But you also go on, each day, not really living. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to you and it’s definitely not fair to your children, who deserve to see their mother happy. It’s time to let him go and live your life without him. Derek has been dead for three years! Three. Years. Alex.”
Okay…now I’m really starting to get irritated.
“Really Harlow. How profound of you.” I glare at her. My voice starts to quiver as it rises.
“No shit Derek’s been dead for three years! I live with that knowledge every single day of my life. Every day, I wake up still expecting him to be lying next to me. Every day, I look at these children and wonder if they have any inkling of how wonderful, caring, smart, beautiful, strong, and loving their father really was. I live my life, every day, with a heart that is completely empty. I have a heart that unfortunately is irreparable. Yes, Harlow, every day of my life is a constant reminder that Derek is dead! Is there any other mind blowing information you feel the need to share with me?” I yell at her as the tears roll down my cheeks.